New Year, New Me, New blah blah blah 2015

Hello readers…

It is time for the obligatory New Year bullshit.  I will save you any “feely goods” and warn you now, this isn’t one of those posts.  Not really.  2014 pissed me off for several reasons.  However, there was a lesson there and I will get to that.  But first, the fucked up shit…

This year, I watched two (not one) of my girlfriends bury their babies.  It pissed me off and generally put me in a bad mood for the last six months.  Yeah, yeah, yeah…I know.  It is not about me.  Except that my heart hurts for them. I am mad as hell watching them grieve.  They are both the sweetest, kindest and most beautiful women I know.  And when I see them hurting so extremely, it makes me mad.  And sad.  I have a “village” mentality when it comes to my women friends.  I was born to a mother whose empathy and compassion genes were a little on the freakishly large side.  Guess what?  It was passed down.  I can’t help it.  Nor do I want to change that about myself.  It makes me, me.  It gives me a stronger understanding of hurt and pain outside of my own little world and quite frankly, dealing with anything hurtful and painful is much better when you have someone to share it with.  So dump it on me.  I want to grieve with you.  I do.  You are not alone.

Secondly, I am dealing with a two decade old pain myself.  It isn’t something I am willing to share just yet, outside of the half dozen people who already know, (and have been my support system, thanks Sam, for the last twenty years, you’re my OG) but I felt it was time to nip that shit in the bud.  For my own sanity.  For the last two decades, I have been in a constant state of self loathing and hatred for another human being over a situation that took less than twenty minutes to happen to us.  Twenty years is a long ass time to hold onto hurt that you have absolutely no control over any more.  So I sent a letter to someone who is a complete stranger to me now, putting faith in the universe, that said person isn’t a complete douche.  We will see.  But I got it off my chest.  I rid myself of the last toxic hate I have left in my being about THAT situation.  Moving on…

Third, I felt used this year.  It does NOT feel good to be used at any age.  But especially, when you are grown enough to know better, and still let someone use you anyway.  I am taking accountability for that one.  I am, after all, 37 years old and should have known what was coming.

Now for that semi-feely good.  The lesson.  I am focusing more attention on forging and nurturing my female relationships in 2015.  I have some amazing women (mothers, sisters, wives, girlfriends) in my life and I have learned that I have been neglecting those relationships.  Like I mentioned before, I have a “village mentality”.  We need each other.  I’ve had conversations in the past few weeks with overwhelmed mothers, grieving mothers, neglected friends, abused wives, depressed females, and I have been one of them.  Mainly because I have isolated myself from these women believing I was too busy doing whatever the fuck I thought was more important.  It stops this year.  Our womanhood is uniquely important because we are highly emotional beings. We feel more.  Let’s get through the bullshit together.  Lets share the happy moments together.

I am here for you bitches. Lets get back to the village of women raising our children together, and lifting up each other, together.

Leave the insecurities and judgments in 2014. I sure the fuck am…

Happy New Year!

M

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New Year, New Me, New blah blah blah 2015

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