The Real Housewives Franchise

Let’s talk about the Real Housewives for a minute, shall we?

I love me some trash television.  I won’t knock anyone for watching trash.  It is a nice break from my reality sometimes.  But I’ve had this thought more often than I can count.  What makes them real?

Are they real just because they exist on our planet?   Yes, I think so.  Because here is what differentiates them from all of us real Real Housewives…

1) Fake eyelashes.  These bitches are always sporting some big ass fake eyelashes.  They grocery shop, swim, go on vacation, breastfeed, etc. with these huge fake eyelashes.  I don’t know about you other moms and wives, but I struggle to get out the door with basic foundation on my flawed facial skin.  Do you remember the episode on Real Housewives of Atlanta where Kim found her daily make up in a costume shop?  You know you laughed.

2) The sleek car.  Those heifers drive around in immaculate Mercedes Benzes and Range Rovers.  My cheerio explosion infested, Gatorade stained Honda Pilot is crying her eyes out and crouching in shame.  She probably thinks I am the most neglectful, selfish bitch in the entire world thanks to these assholes.

3) The chefs.  Do I even need to address this?  I don’t even know a rich single person with a personal chef.  And I do have two friends who are multi-millionaires.  They don’t have personal chefs.  They cook their own food, if they aren’t ordering takeout.

4) Hair extensions.  You are lucky you see me with clean hair, much less some completely styled extensions.  And these hoes are working out at the gym with hot rolled flowing hair.  Girl, bye.

5) Personal assistants.  Some of these women don’t even have jobs, and they have an assistant.  I would love to have some twenty-something run all of my errands that I find taxing and boring.  “Hey assistant!  Take yo’ ass down to the ABC store, I’m too drunk to buy more rum.”

6) Personal trainers.  You’re on TV.  That camera adds ten pounds.  Have Reynaldo come over and work your ass out under the pecan tree in the backyard.  And where is the sweat?  These women do not sweat apparently.

7) The fights.  They get physical.  Everyone of us women dream about flipping a table, pulling a weave, and sometimes even “punching a bitch”.  Or punching our husbands.  But we don’t.  That would make us CRAZY.  Not real.  And then there is that whole jail time for assault thing that gets in the way of running a household and raising children.

8) Maids/Nannies.  OHMYFREAKINGGODIWISH.  But hey, some real Real Housewives have them.  So…maybe this was a bad example.

9) Doctors on call. That shit never happens.  Remember when Phaedra called her doctor (from Anguilla) to prove to her husband that hot tubs could carry bacteria that could infect her clean cooter???  I would have to wait at least five business days before my doctor called me back answering any questions, and most likely I would get his office staff.  And then he would bill me for that shit.  I love you Dr. Ken, but you know its true!!!

Please don’t misunderstand me, I do NOT begrudge wealthy people for having the funds to live a lifestyle they desire.  I do, however, find it hilarious that these women are called Real Housewives.  But we all know reality tv ain’t real, right?

Real Housewives of Atlanta premiered last night.  Did you watch it?  You know I did.  Being an Atlanta native and all.



The Real Housewives Franchise

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